Opportunity (Let’s make lots of money)

Dedicated to all the sketchy “social media marketing” companies that have contacted me since the book’s publication.

Re: Your book The Love Factor

Hello, fellow entrepreneur!

Thank you for the opportunity to pay you $100 to post about my book on Twitter.

As you know, it’s stressful to be a debut author. So, I was ecstatic to learn that my book qualifies for your services due to the “quality and plot.” I printed your email and posted it on the refrigerator, pushing my son’s artwork aside, so that our whole family can bask in my achievement.

I was ready to purchase ten tweets promoting The Love Factor. However, I browsed your social media accounts, and I have even better news. Due to the high quality of your book promotions (e.g. “An exciting read!”), you qualify for services that I provide to businesses just like yours!

I offer four packages that may be purchased separately or together:

Brown ($200): I will follow you on Twitter for one year.
I am a real person who logs into Twitter daily, unlike the fake and/or defunct accounts that comprise most of your followers. An authentic human follower bestows credibility that no collection of spambots can match. (Note: I can provide medical records attesting to my status as a live and fully conscious person upon request.)

Silver ($500): I will “like” one tweet per month for twelve months.
Most of your tweets receive only one like which, incidentally, comes from the other account you run. Some have two if the author herself likes the tweet. God, it’s sad. This package will double the engagement on twelve of your tweets. Clients will be delighted, at least until they check their sales.

Gold ($1000): I will retweet one tweet of your choice.
Please note that this package is for one tweet only. Unfortunately, I cannot retweet your posts monthly without compromising my own credibility and losing followers. One retweet can be dismissed as a fluke, but even two would raise serious questions about my judgment. However, when you consider the abysmal engagement your posts receive now, the gold package is a steal.

Diamond ($1,000,000): I will recommend your services to my followers.
My followers include over one hundred aspiring or published authors. My endorsement would be invaluable for a scammy “marketing service” that preys on the dreams of struggling writers.

The price may seem high, but it covers personal expenses associated with the service. Specifically, after endorsing your company, I would have to delete my account, retire my pen name, and start over with a new identity. In addition to this, my wife wants to buy a house.

I’d like to set up a phone call this week to discuss which option is right for your business goals.

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Quinn Ivins, LLC.

1 thought on “Opportunity (Let’s make lots of money)”

  1. Hilarious, accurate and scathing. Every writer needs to know that anyone asking for your money to publish or promote you is a scammer. Publishers pay you, you don’t pay them. And legitimate social media marketers don’t get clients this way. Thanks for the laugh!

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