In honor of the new decade, I was going to write an amusing blog post about my fake resolutions (Quinn sucks at life, ha ha ha). But every time I tried, I got really depressed.
So instead, I thought I would imagine my life at the beginning of the next decade, when I’m a famous and very successful author. Surely I’ll have my shit together by then.
~ Some time in 2030 ~
Terry Gross, probably: “My guest today is Quinn Ivins. She just published her tenth lesbian romance novel, almost exactly ten years after her debut. First, congratulations on the new book.”
Quinn: “Thank you, and thanks for having me. I’m a big fan of NPR.”
Terry: “This isn’t NPR. This is my podcast that I record in my dorm room, Smut Talk with Lezzie del Ray. Anyway, why don’t you tell us about the book?”
Quinn: “Um… the details escape me at the moment, but I assume it’s about a politician or lawyer or something, and the idealistic younger woman who melts her heart.”
Lezzie: “Yep, that’s exactly right. Now, your life has changed a lot over the past decade. For one thing, you’re now a full-time author.”
Quinn: “Because… because my books are so successful?”
Lezzie: “Because you got fired from your day job when they caught you writing a filthy sex scene during a budget meeting.”
Quinn: “Oh. Well, I’m sure that after ten books, I’m making decent money.”
Lezzie: “You sure are! Or at least you would be, if your publisher didn’t keep all of the profits.”
Quinn: “Huh? I thought my contract was pretty fair.”
Lezzie: “Oh sure, but I meant because of the legal settlement.”
Quinn: “The what?”
Lezzie: “In fact, let me pull up the article so that I can remind our listeners. Let’s see… fraudulently presenting yourself as the Ylva Director of Research and Analytics. Brand infringement, from all the unauthorized wolf swag. And of course, harassment.”
Quinn: “Because…”
Lezzie: “Because of all the e-mails.”
Quinn: “Right.”
Lezzie: “So why don’t you tell us what’s next for you? Any plans for the upcoming decade?”
Quinn: “Um, I guess I’ll write ten more books unless… do you think my day job would take me back?”
Lezzie: “I doubt it. Maybe if you had gone quietly.”
Quinn: “Um.”
Lezzie: “I mean, the YouTube video has seven million views. But, hey, at least you’re living your dream.”
Quinn: “Nooooo! Stop! Take me back to 2020. I can change, I swear. Here, I’ll even make some resolutions. Don’t be annoying! No unauthorized wolf swag! PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE.”
~ Present day ~
Well, that was terrifying. Maybe I should have gone with the “funny” resolutions. Oh well, there’s always next year.