Ten years later

In honor of the new decade, I was going to write an amusing blog post about my fake resolutions (Quinn sucks at life, ha ha ha). But every time I tried, I got really depressed.

So instead, I thought I would imagine my life at the beginning of the next decade, when I’m a famous and very successful author. Surely I’ll have my shit together by then.

~ Some time in 2030 ~

Terry Gross, probably: “My guest today is Quinn Ivins. She just published her tenth lesbian romance novel, almost exactly ten years after her debut. First, congratulations on the new book.”

Quinn: “Thank you, and thanks for having me. I’m a big fan of NPR.”

Terry: “This isn’t NPR. This is my podcast that I record in my dorm room, Smut Talk with Lezzie del Ray. Anyway, why don’t you tell us about the book?”

Quinn: “Um… the details escape me at the moment, but I assume it’s about a politician or lawyer or something, and the idealistic younger woman who melts her heart.”

Lezzie: “Yep, that’s exactly right. Now, your life has changed a lot over the past decade. For one thing, you’re now a full-time author.”

Quinn: “Because… because my books are so successful?”

Lezzie: “Because you got fired from your day job when they caught you writing a filthy sex scene during a budget meeting.”

Quinn: “Oh. Well, I’m sure that after ten books, I’m making decent money.”

Lezzie: “You sure are! Or at least you would be, if your publisher didn’t keep all of the profits.”

Quinn: “Huh? I thought my contract was pretty fair.”

Lezzie: “Oh sure, but I meant because of the legal settlement.”

Quinn: “The what?”

Lezzie: “In fact, let me pull up the article so that I can remind our listeners. Let’s see… fraudulently presenting yourself as the Ylva Director of Research and Analytics. Brand infringement, from all the unauthorized wolf swag. And of course, harassment.”

Quinn: “Because…”

Lezzie: “Because of all the e-mails.”

Quinn: “Right.”

Lezzie: “So why don’t you tell us what’s next for you? Any plans for the upcoming decade?”

Quinn: “Um, I guess I’ll write ten more books unless… do you think my day job would take me back?”

Lezzie: “I doubt it. Maybe if you had gone quietly.”

Quinn: “Um.”

Lezzie: “I mean, the YouTube video has seven million views. But, hey, at least you’re living your dream.”

Quinn: “Nooooo! Stop! Take me back to 2020. I can change, I swear. Here, I’ll even make some resolutions. Don’t be annoying! No unauthorized wolf swag! PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE.”

~ Present day ~

Well, that was terrifying. Maybe I should have gone with the “funny” resolutions. Oh well, there’s always next year.

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