Frequently asked questions: A guide for my wife

Q. What will the book be called?
A. (heavy breathing)

Q. Sorry, I forgot I’m not supposed to ask about that. Um, how do you say your publisher’s name?
A. Well, I was pronouncing it “yell-vah” but then I learned that it’s actually a special Swedish sound that Americans can’t make. When I try, it comes out… twangy. So I just try not to say it out loud.

Q. Are you going to tell your parents about the book?
A. LOL.

Q. What about our son?
A. I’ll tell him when he’s older. Much older. Like when I’m on my death bed, and I have to explain why his inheritance includes residuals from Mommy-Quinn’s lesbian sex books. Unless I die first — then it’s all you.

Q. Are you ever going to write a book about our romantic life?
A. Huh?

Q. I mean our romantic life before we had a baby.
A. Ah, yes. The story of two married lesbians who are tired from their jobs. Every night, they sit on the couch eating Thai food and watching 90 Day Fiancé. Then one day, they have a baby.

Q. Okay, okay. When does the book come out?
A. Ummm… in like a year, I think? They use the metric system so it’s hard to follow sometimes.

Q. When are we going to Germany to promote it?
A. Yeah, again, the book isn’t just being published “in Germany.” That’s just where my publisher lives, and she doesn’t want me to visit until I calm down about the whole thing. Anyway, we’re not going anywhere to promote it. I have a top secret identity, remember?

Q. Oh right. So how are you going to market it?
A. I have the best plan. First, I’m going to mail promotional scrunchies to every celebrity with long hair. Then, I just need to wait for the scrunchies to pop up on Instagram. Boom, the book goes viral. Everyone who buys a copy will receive a scrunchie or a limited edition snap bracelet, further spreading awareness. Plus, everyone who follows me on Twitter will get a free t-shirt. It’s going to be epic.

Q. Um, that sounds expensive. I thought you said this book was going to make money. Actually, you promised that we would be rich.
A. Right…. see the thing about lesbian publishing…

Q. What?
A. Nothing. We will definitely be rich. I love you!

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